Homesickness

One big sign of depression for me is when I get really homesick in ridiculous situations, such as when I'm going to be working a full day or when I'm going to spend one night somewhere else. The stupid thing is, I've lived on my own, off and on, since I was a teenager. When I was a kid, I was fiercely independent and wanted to be away from home as much as possible. I moved across the country on my own for a year (it was for a year-long volunteer program), traveled alone across the country to visit my brother for multiple weeks, and even during times when I was staying with my parents, I spent more time away than home.

But now, I can't bear to be away from home! I feel like my parents' house is this big, safe, happy fortress, and I just want to hide inside. For instance, right now I am supposed to be puppysitting for a friend whose dog had puppies... they are on vacation for a few days, and my duty is to stay with the dogs during the day and also sleep over. Well, its been TORTURE for me! Even though I absolutely adore dogs, and being around tiny puppies should be the happiest time in my life, all I can feel is sadness whenever I am there. I try to come home every few hours... like swimming under water, and coming up for breaths. I go spend time with the puppies, come home, back to the puppies, back home, all day long, even though it is a half hour trip each way.

And when night comes... when I have to go sleep at my friends' house with the puppies... I feel like i am leaving home forever! I bawl myself to sleep because I just want to be at home, in my own bed, with my own dogs, like a normal night. I cry as if my whole family has just died, when really I am only going to be away from them for a night!

I wish I wasn't like this. I want to enjoy the puppies. I want to be happy to see their little tails wagging at me. Part of me is... but the other part of me is just crying, "Home, home, home home," the whole time I am there.

I can't stand it.