Okay, lets try this again.
I'm creating this blog so that I can have a place to write about my real life, the things I go through, and the reasons why. I've had other blogs before, but I've decided to keep this blog anonymous. That way, I'll be able to be honest about everything I go through, without worrying that someone, like a prospective employer who finds this blog, a relative, etc, might take something the wrong way. A few of you do know who I am... but unlike my other blogs, you won't see any pictures of me or any other identifying information. In this blog, I am just Butterfly, a young woman struggling with a plethora of issues including depression, anxiety, ADHD, learning disabilities,some autistic-like tendencies, post traumatic stress disorder, and who knows what else.
The type of depression I have is chronic. It is different from someone who goes through a rough period in their life, sinks into depression, and needs to be on medication for a few months to a year. Mine is lifelong, lurking there, forever.
I am not constantly depressed, though. It seems to happen in a pattern. My depression can be triggered by various things. Everything can be going well for me, until I get the flu, or my dog dies, or I get in a car accident, or I get in a fight with a friend, or I find that I do not like my job. Then, even though these things might be minor setbacks for most people, I seem to get slammed with depression. Suddenly, I'm crying all the time, feeling sick to my stomach, feeling exhausted and dizzy, unable to eat, unable to sleep. Sleep is an especially weird thing when I'm going through depression. Even though I'm exhausted, at night I can't fall asleep. I'll be awake at all hours, tossing and turning, unable to stop flailing my arms and legs. Even Tylenol PM or tranquilizers don't work. I have to trick myself into falling asleep by going downstairs and watching TV until I drift off, in the wee hours of the morning.
When this happens, eventually I manage to get on medication... easier said than done when you have no health insurance. The medication always takes weeks to begin working. When it does work, I start living more and more of a normal life. Then, after a year or so of being on meds, because I have trouble getting it (meds can be impossible to get every month without insurance, and when you skip a few doses because you're having trouble getting them, you start getting physically ill, which, when I'm not going through depression, makes it seem to me that I'm just taking the meds to avoid withdrawal symptoms instead of because I need them for my mental health) or decide I'm ready to be off it, I'll quit taking it. And then, maybe a few months or a year after that, SLAM! I'm back in depression.
That is what happened this last time. I was getting services from the mental health department in the county I lived in. However, that wasn't working out, because I was living with my so-called friends while caring for their children full-time as what started out as a paid nanny and ended up as some sort of indentured servant. Since I rarely got paid for watching the children, my income was basically 0. The county wanted to know how I could survive on 0, and when I explained that I was living with these "friends," the county wanted the friends' tax information. The friends weren't willing to supply it... and so, the county could no longer help me. I ran out of meds, suffered through the painful flu-like symptoms involved with sudden withdrawal for a few weeks, and that was that. (I did try to wean myself off a little by cutting my last few pills in half and taking half every other day, to ease the pain. It may have worked a tiny bit.)
I ended up moving out of my "friends'" house in December, moving to another county to live with my parents. I was going to try to finish school. I have about a year left. The problem was, when I left my "friends" behind, I also left behind their children, whom I had helped raise full time for the past three years and whom I had known well since their births... and their other friends and family members, who I had known for years and cared for very much. Basically, I left my whole life behind. And that triggered a bout of depression. At first it wasn't so bad... but over the summer, it got super bad, to the point where I cried every day. I, who have been living on my own off and on since I was 17, now found that I cried heartbrokenly when my parents went on a 5-day-long vacation, or when I had to stay overnight somewhere for work, or when I read a sad book... just about anything can knock me down.
And the anxiety that comes along with it... I finally secured a job that could work around my school schedule, only to find that I was sad and nervous to the point of vomiting every day before work. I would be bawling every morning as I left the house, and when I was at work, all I could think was, "I want to go home, need to go home, don't wanna be here, need to go home." This was much more intense than the usual "my job sucks" kind of feeling. I've had other jobs that suck, and when I am healthy, I am able to find a bright side of anything. When I'm healthy, I really am an upbeat person, who puts her heart and soul into any job she has, and looks for ways to make things more bearable. When I am in depression, I cannot do anything but survive each minute.
But I have no meds.
So I finally emailed my new boss and said I need a few weeks off to deal with a medical crisis.
And now, I have to find a way to get better!
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